Happy birthday, Baby Girl!

As I laid awake a few nights ago I couldn't stop thinking about Halley’s upcoming 18th birthday.  18 years in some ways seemed impossible…wasn’t it just yesterday that we were snuggling her and begging God for healing?  I can still feel her silky dark head of hair in my hands as I caressed her.  Smell her baby smells, hear the beeps of each and every monitor.  Surely it hasn’t been 18 years?!  But then as I tossed and turned l also thought about how it seemed a different lifetime ago–one where Nate and I were young and inexperienced.  Where we were faced with decisions no 25 year old should ever have to make.  And then I became overwhelmed with all the Lord has done over these 18 years.  How He’s used the life and death of a 6 pound baby girl to change everything...His faithfulness has been constant and I felt and urgency to share it.  The next morning I asked Christy what she thought about a faithfulness party and her enthusiasm and encouragement spurred me to follow through.  

I want to mention that a lot of the things I’m sharing today are an overlap of both Halley and Porter’s lives.  The details get lumped together at times and so today we’re celebrating Porter as well.  I won’t recap most of the details, but instead highlight how we saw the Lord show up in their lives, deaths and the years following.  

~I specifically remember when God placed an 80 year old lady in my life who challenged me on how I thought about my fertility.  Up until that point Nate and I hadn’t really considered praying about when to start a family, we just did the “American” when we have our ducks in a row then we’ll get pregnant.  Surely during med-school, living on debt wasn’t that time.  But then we started to pray and we felt so convicted to start our family.  God gave us a like mindedness and so we moved forward in faith.  At the time I didn’t think much about what a blessing it was to be on the same page as my husband, but in the months and years to follow I realized what a blessing that was from the Lord.  And when I look back on a journal entry during my pregnancy I realized he was already preparing me to trust him and sing of his faithfulness.  

~That theme of likemindedness continued as we started to pray about the end of life care.  Our pastor encouraged us with “are you postponing life or postponing death?”  So that became our prayer that the Lord would help us know.  And He did.  With both Halley and Porter their bodies began shutting down before we took them off life support.  We knew together that it was time.  And as hard as that is, I’m so so grateful that we moved forward together and weren’t blaming or pointing fingers, but together as a team.  

~God showed up in the grieving process.  We didn’t have a TV during those years, we didn’t drink or have hobbies that took over–that alone helped us not numb out or ignore the pain.  We would regularly go to the screened in porch and process.  The sacred gift of time helped us heal together.  We definitely went through the different steps of grief at different times and it wasn’t easy, but there were things we unknowingly did that made it easier in the long run.  I’m also grateful that he put the Floods from Familylife in our lives.  They became like counselors to us helping us dig into the ugliness of grief and processing.  

~Y'all know that God used the lives and deaths of Halley and Porter to call Nate to become an OB/GYN.  So for the past 15 years Nate has been able to minister to patients in ways that a lot of doctors can’t.  I remember one of the first times he had a patient lose a baby-SIDS at a month old.  Nate showed up at their house to love on them.  We both went to the funeral which was over an hour away.  Colleen (the mom of the baby) asked if she could start meeting with me “to just hear me talk about losing babies and surviving”.  We met at the lake and she just wanted to know it was going to be okay.  By merely sharing my story, which was so healing to me, I was helping her!  This was God reminding me that He’s using our story for good.  That it does matter and it isn’t lost.  Halley and Porter both have a legacy because of the Lord’s faithfulness.  Because of Halley and Porter we have a better understanding of pain and how to minister to those going through hard times.  I’m so grateful.

~God used Halley and Porter to give us a heart for adoption and life no matter how it comes. Several years ago I was curious about when Shepherd was conceived.  I took a pregnancy wheel and realized that the day Porter died, June 4, 2005, Shepherd was being knit in his birth mom's womb. I’m forever grateful for how the Lord gave us 2 babies through adoption to love and care for, and the new ways we understand the Gospel because of adoption.   “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21 (This is the verse inscribed on Porter’s tombstone.)

~Scripture has come alive in so many ways because of the pain we’ve endured.  Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” There were times I wasn’t sure if I believed it, but over the last 18 years I’ve seen it to be true!  Even in Matthew when he talks about “storing up your treasures in heaven” –my heart has longed for heaven more because my babies are there.  I could go through so many verses and how they’ve been salve to my soul.  

~God showed up and let us wrestle with him.  We felt a new vulnerability with the Lord.  After Porter died Laura, then around 11, said out loud “What is God doing??”  It was something we were all wondering and questioning then–and even sometimes now.  The Lord has been a safe place to take those hurts and questions and wrestle.  Our rocks of remembrance have reminded us of his goodness and faithfulness, but also the safety of coming to him with our questions has been a beautiful thing.  It wasn’t until Marley was around 1 or 2 that I finally started to accept that this wasn’t God’s plan B for my life—that this truly was His best for me and I could rest in His sovereignty.  

~I also believe that pain and hardship speaks so loud to a watching world, more so that if everything had been perfect and easy.  The hope we have in Christ through difficult circumstances is a catalyst to share Christ with those who don't have that hope.  

~God has used Halley to help me become more vulnerable and connect with others through that pain.  When I think of the people in my life there’s so much hard represented, but also that pain that we’ve shared give us a connection that we wouldn’t have otherwise.  We’ve had to depend on Christ in a whole new way and that bonds us.  We ended up at Fellowship because of the Seylers.  After they lost Maddie Jane we started meeting together to walk alongside them in their grief.  Klayton is a worship pastor and we started worshiping with him in the middle of his grief.  There’s nothing like the sacredness and beauty of trusting God in the hard and worshipping together. 

~The body of Christ is the most beautiful thing.  A lot of people showed up:  letters, meals, poems written, lessons learned,  just sitting in the hard with us.  The way you experience people loving on you through hard things is so beautiful.  Even now 18 years later—there are so many who have played a role in helping me heal and in helping me honor Halley’s life.  So thank you.  Thank you for not being scared to say her name or ask me hard questions.  That’s been such a joy for me to have people in my life who will do that.  

55 days of life was not in vain, the Lord used Halley Raye and our lives will never be the same. 

Plan B should always include an Airstream

Oh the abandoned blog...how I haven't really missed you!  Life has gone on full speed ahead. No time for blogging. Just living life to the fullest. But today there's an urge to update. So I'm going with it. To refresh my three readers minds...we lived in Springfield for a year and a half. Then we moved to a rent house in Arkansas and then to a fixer upper on some acreage. Life has been full of transitions.

In case our friends were starting to think we were boring and not spontaneous enough we decided to adopt a sweet baby girl with only a days notice. Norah Jane was born on April 22 and came home to us on April 25. We are so in love and having the time of our lives.

To add to the fun, we've decided to continue on with the plans to majorly renovate our home. It'll be a  3-4 month process. Originally we were planning to live in our home during all the construction but with the heat of summer and a newborn we needed to come up with another plan. Well...you know Nate and Mar are always looking for an excuse to buy an Airstream. Sooo a few months ago we set a budget and began the hunt. Several scam Craigslist ads later and we were growing weary. Airstreams are funny-- they're either so old and nasty or newer and so expensive. Until the day we found the Soverign International.

This beauty was in Texas and she was built in 1970. Her owners were meticulous and decided it was time to part ways with their beloved Airstream. They were a sweet retired couple and we loved getting to know them as we learned all about our new purchase.

Marley snapped his picture of Owen and Norah while we looking the Airstream over and I love her photog skills.











Soooo..we bought the Airstream (this is #2 for us...but who's counting?!?). For being a 1970 model she's in excellent condition. So many things are original and it's awesome. We are going to do some major updating (on a budget) and make her sparkle and shine. I've been Pinteresting lots of ideas. I'll attempt to blog our progress. I've already started painting. Here's a few before pictures.

Thoughts on moving...

Moving changes everything.  It really does. I like how it forces me out of my comfort zone and begs me to evaluate my life and who I'm becoming.  It gives a fresh start, but like a seedling pushing through the muck and dirt in order to bloom, I too must push through.  I've moved a lot in my lifetime.  Four times that I remember growing up, and 3 of those times were after the age of 13.  I think that makes it harder.  Nate and I have moved 3 times in the last 4 1/2 years. Not a great track record for putting your roots in and yet I see God's hand in each of our moves.  And I've seen Him grow both Nate and I.  Do I like it? Not really.  But refining is sort of like that.

And so here I sit again...at the crossroads of bitterness or betterness, almost a daily struggle.  I've moved enough to know my pattern...sadness, excitement, exhaustion, big plans, more exhaustion, depression, and then somewhere in there contentment, purpose and joy returns, a glimpse of God's bigger plans.  This pattern usually takes me at least a year, sometimes more.

Moving to Little Rock has felt different in a lot of ways.  We are "moving back" in a lot of ways, but after 9 years of being gone it feels less like being back and more like starting over.  I am very thankful for the familiar faces that we've seen so far and the mutual connections that seem to be everywhere.

So who do I want to be in this next chapter?  Where is God directing my heart?  What is He going to do with us here?  I've started to see glimpses and my excitement is brewing.  I know He is up to good things.

I want to share a quick story that I never want to forget.  Nate's first day at Cornerstone was very memorable.  They asked our whole family to attend breakfast as the celebrated Nate's arrival by introducing him to the staff and praying over all of us and eating!  The kids and I went and after the prayer they introduced several other newbies, including a nurse.  That nurse came over to us and introduced herself and then asked Nate, "Are you Halley's dad?"  She continued by explaining that she was a NICU nurse at Children's and had taken care of Halley while she was there.  As she talked I remembered exactly who she was because she had given us a precious memory box to keep all Halley's precious things.  It was so amazing to me that 11 years ago God had knit our heart with hers and now she works at the same place as Nate ministering to women.  I could tell several stories like this of how God has gone before and prepared us for this time!!  He is so good!

So choosing betterness is hard, but I know it's what I want.  I know it pays off in the end.  

If you build a fence...

If you build a fence, you will want an airstream to go with it.

You will buy an airstream and plant it in your backyard.  

After putting it in the backyard, you will want to cut it open.  

After cutting it open, you will realize that you have a lot of work ahead.  

But then you will work really hard.  And as you work really hard you will realize you have an awesome husband.  

Then you will get excited because your plan is actually coming together and looking awesome.  

You will build a bench.  Then you will want to plant flowers on the roof.  Then you will want to paint. 

Then you will add in a potting shed for your garden supplies and an area for pool equipment storage.  Then you will realize you need electricity for hanging lights.   

Then you will sit back and enjoy your creativity.  You will remember how much you like living in the country.  You will remember to not take life too seriously and to have a little fun.  

And then...God will have a little laugh and ask you to put your house on the market and move to Arkansas.

bluebonnets through the ages

Shepherd's first bluebonnet experience was in the spring of 2007!  He was 1 and such a ham!  

There are no 2008 bluebonnet pictures...probably because I had a 2 year old and 8 month old.  That period of my life is a little bit of a blur.

2009 This is what life looked like:

2010 I was blessed to have some pink in the bluebonnets!  

By 2011 It was actually possible to attempt to photograph all 3 kids together.  They're growing up. 

 2012 was the year of no bluebonnets in our area....so we caved and took pictures with the bastard cabbage????   I didn't name it, but I thought the article was interesting asking if the yellow "flowers" would replace the bluebonnets as the Texas state flower.  It's pretty, but in my opinion it needs a new name.

And that brings us to 2013...my babies are all grown up.  Look at how beautiful these kids are!  And a special bonus this year was that Shepherd took a picture of me and my love.  How fun is that.  

Lessons I learned in Dominican Republic

We updated our passports, packed up all our gear and flew a million miles away to the great country of Dominican Republic.  The occasion: my baby brother's wedding!  How is it possible that John is ready to get married.  He's still 10-right???  Nate and I had to cut our trip short by 3 days...so it ended up being a bit of a whirlwind.  But we survived and have some great stories to tell!  

As I've reflected back over my time there are a few things that drove me crazy while I was there...but hindsight I want to actually apply some of these "crazy" things to my own life.

1. Dominicans never hurry up.  This was exhausting while visiting their country.  When they said the bus was leaving at 1---guess who was waiting at 1 for the bus---all the Americans!  The bus ended up leaving at 3:30.  My brother said, "Everyone's just relaxed...let's have the rehearsal tomorrow." I knew we weren't in America.  Everything ran late, the Americans stressed and the Dominican were completely relaxed.  On their own little schedule I guess.  I can't tell you how many times a day I say these words "hurry up" "come on" "speed it up" "right now".  I could learn a lot by slowing down and not rush rush rushing---all just for a park date.  Great read here by Angie Smith.   
2. "Can't complain!"  Americans--we like to complain.  If we don't get our eggs scrambled the way we like them we feel the need to let everyone know.  Dominicans seemed so happy to be along for the ride.  No bano for miles, no problemo!  I never heard any of them complain.  Now let me be honest here...I don't speak spanish.  So maybe they were complaining and I just didn't understand what they were saying.  Ha!  It did seem though that they enjoyed much while living on so little.  And that is what I want to take a lesson in.  
3. Smiles and hugs go a long way.  Even though I didn't speak spanish, I can smile and hug and that was enough to bridge the gap.  I need to smile more and hug more here in America.  My kids.  My neighbors.  My friends.  My sweetie.  

Enough about me...the wedding was gorgeous.  John and Pamela were the cutest couple.  They love the Lord and their wedding was God honoring.  It was a privilege to be a part of it all.  

December 2012 part 1

December Recap:

We started by having our favorite photographer (Aunt Laura) take our picture in Downtown Grapevine.  The kids are FINALLY at an age where we don't have to hold them down to take their picture.  They were so sweet this day and really did cooperate.  I feel like we growing up a little bit.  I love these kids.  When I look at the pictures below it makes me want to cry.  They are so sweet and such blessings to us.  

Sweet Marley Grace is now 3 years old.

 They crack me up!

Owen Conley you are so smart and you love sports.

 Shepherd Nathan how can you be almost 7?  You are growing up and love music so much.

We had our church's Children's Christmas Program.  It was Marley's first year to "sing".  And yes she picked her nose while on stage!  I knew she would!  Haaaa.

 And they definitely would not cooperate for a group picture after their singing.  They wanted cookies and craziness.  Here's my best attempt:

Then Marley got to go to a princess tea party to celebrate our neighbor, Lyla's, birthday.  Marley was so sweet and seemed so grown up.  Marley is very secure and has a high self esteem.  The other day I was taking her to the boys school and she said "everyone will say Hi to me.  They like me."  And it's not uncommon to find her looking in the mirror saying "I'm so pretty".  I've been talking to her about being pretty on the inside and how that's most important.  Thankfully she is working on the inside!